Relationship sabotage.

There are times in my life when I catch myself being a bad person. When my gossiping goes too far and I begin telling people things I REALLY shouldn’t. When I carelessly make jokes about other people’s insecurities to try and get a laugh from others. Or most recently, when I lose control of my emotions with my boyfriend because he wasn’t being exactly who I wanted him to be.

I am by no means a relationship expert. I have had 4 ‘serious’ boyfriends in the past 6 years but my current relationship has lasted the longest. I feel as though I spend a huge chunk of my time complaining to other women about my guy, even if he has spent the week being nothing but nice to me. He is a really good match for me – something confirmed to me by my mum who always knows – and yet I seem to spend my time searching for faults with him.

Over the weekend it was my boyfriends birthday. He hadn’t really been looking forward to it regardless of my building it up to be a big deal. Girls, in my experience, care more about being made a fuss of on their birthday than men do! We had gone out for a meal with his friends (4 guys) who I get on with well enough but tend to annoy me when I don’t have another girl around rolling their eyes with me. I had a good time but my BF wasn’t feeling too well so he dipped a bit and got grumpy, which I ignored because it was his birthday. We went to the pub after the meal and met up with other people, including some girls thankfully, and we split off and spent time with our own groups. And then something happened…. I don’t know why but something in me turned on my BF. He was off having a nice time with his friends and I suddenly felt this irritation that very rapidly turned into rage bubbling up inside me. All the tiny things that he had done that day that had annoyed me joined together and became this irrational monster that broke out of its cage. I ended up dragging my girlfriends upstairs and bursting into tears exclaiming that I couldn’t POSSIBLY be with someone that would be grumpy with me in front of his friends! Where does that even come from? I will be honest, I had just hit my time of the month but I didn’t know that at the time, but I had had this same rant a million times before regardless of my menstrual cycle.

I was angry with him all night and it probably ruined his birthday, which was a realisation I had when I woke up. Now 2 days later I am still riddled with guilt over how I acted and I have been trying to work out why it happened. I think I fell into the trap that many women fall into. My expectations are unrealistically high. I have spent nearly 2 years trying to improve my BF by moulding him into my own idea of Prince Charming. I tell him to stop making so many disgusting jokes, to stop socially smoking, to stop acting like a child when he is with his friends. The list goes on. I have seen other women have the same lengthy list as I do. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t expect men to adapt to being with us, flexibility is important in a relationship but the question is, is it treated as a one-way street? Do we expect people to change so much so that we are able to stay the same? I didn’t alter my behaviours much while in this relationship but my BF has done a lot of maturing and I am rushing him toward some imaginary finish line on perfection.

I have promised him to be more mindful of my responses in the future and it is something we are going to have to discuss on a regular basis to keep on the same page.

Just something to think about for the day.


25 years old?!

Last week I turned 25 years old. How did that happen? Only two minutes ago I was panicking about turning 24 and getting my life together, and in what feels like no time at all a year has flown by!

In all honesty, turning 25 didn’t bring the crippling anxiety that my brain had promised it would, instead I was greeted by a dull sense of panic that was much easier to deal with. This got me thinking about why 25 feels like a massive turning point for me. Is it because I have to check the 25-30 option when filling out forms? Or that people keep pointing out that I’m halfway to 50? Or maybe it’s the realisation that if I auditioned for the X Factor I would be entered into the ‘last chance’ 25 and Over category. In reality, it is probably none of these outside influences causing my heart to pick up pace. It’s all me and my little brain that isn’t on my side right now.

I remember being 13 years old and just starting high school, being surrounding by grownups who try and scare you into taking charge of your future. They tell you how important GCSE’s are, and that being a fully functioning and independent adult is just around the corner. I spent years combating this ridiculous notion by decorating my bedroom with as much Harry Potter memorabilia as possible and refusing to drink alcohol until I was legally allowed. I didn’t even have my first kiss until I was 18. Anything that most kids want to do to feel more mature, I moved away from entirely.

I mean, I am still well known as the girl who likes Harry Potter (I never managed to shake that particular obsession) but people don’t call me Naive anymore, so I guess I have grown. Being 13 or 15 makes 25 seem like a lifetime away. Those people have it together. They might not make much money but they have a house and a cute boyfriend and are on the path to reaching their dreams. Of course, I knew of the ‘failures’ who still live with their parents and have a job that they don’t really want, but that was NEVER going to be me.

And yet, here I sit, watching friends with a packet of biscuits at the house that I currently share with my Mum. I have spent the day thinking about work tomorrow at the local convenience store, after studying Drama at University and swearing I’d be a professional actress by now. So I guess I turned into one of those ‘failures’ I had envisioned in my head?

No. I’m not a failure. I don’t think anyone fails their 20’s. From what I have learnt in the past 5 years, everyone feels like they are doing things wrong at this age. The issue with social media is that everyone looks like they are having a better time than you, but that isn’t always true. I have a friend who has been living in New Zealand for a year now and I am crazy jealous of her life. But even she has told me how worried she is about finding a job when she gets home, as she has no idea what she wants to do for the rest of her life.

I have tried for the past week to give myself little goals to ensure I have something to be proud of. I could write a blog post, redecorate my room, audition for a local play, or even go for a run. It doesn’t really matter how life changing my success is, so long as I actually got on with it didn’t make an excuse. Maybe that is the secret to a relaxing 25th year? Well, I guess I will find out. And I will be sure to keep you posted.

Until then,

Thank you for reading!